Magical Parenting (or, the magic of emotions)

Big emotions.

If someone asked me to choose two words that best describe mothering, those are the words that I would choose. Big emotions. When we become mothers, we suddenly unlock an entire world of feelings and emotions that we never knew were possible. In both directions. Our kids feel the inevitable ginormous feelings, and so do we.

We feel…

• The unmistakably unique love that a mother feels. Love that is deep in our bones and that we never knew existed until we became a mother of a small being who we are responsible for.

• A fear, that is directly attached to that love, that shakes us to our core.

• A sense of wonder that wakes up every cell in our bodies as we watch these little people grow and learn and develop.

• A sense of confusion and uncertainty that is so all-encompassing that it stops us in our tracks and seems to paralyze us in space and time.

• A joy that seeps out of our pours and lights us up like fireworks, and also an anger and frustration that surprises us and seemingly jumps out of nowhere.

• A sense of belonging and purpose, one that we may have craved much of our lives, as well as a sense of loneliness and isolation that takes our breath away.

Big emotions. 

And the reality is that what brings these feelings from deep inside of us to the surface, feelings that were always in there but may not have been called to the surface with such intention, are the feelings that our kids exhibit so widely and freely. You see, when our kids feel big feelings (re-read the above), which they do all the time, we feel big feelings right along with them.

Magic.

But because many of us were not raised in families in which big feelings were welcomed, we don’t know what to do when they arise within us. Especially when we feel the more uncomfortable ones.

We think to ourselves, “I need to do something to get my kid to not feel those big feelings because when he does, I feel so uncomfortable. When she exhibits all that emotion, I feel all that emotion inside of me and I can’t tolerate it. I have to get my kid to calm down so that I don’t need to feel this uncomfortable myself.”

(Cue the “stop crying” or the “this isn’t a big deal, you are fine” or the “ok, have the cookie.”)

Because if our kid stops feeling big feelings, then we get to stop feeling big feelings.

But, of course, this doesn’t really work. Not for long. Because what we all need, including our children as well as the little children buried deep inside of ourselves, is to be heard. To be seen. To be acknowledged for the validity in what we feel.

So, “just stop” really doesn’t work too well.  Does it? Not for our kids and not for ourselves.

Let in the magic.

One of the most useful things to do in parenting is to give our kids the permission to feel whatever it is that they are feeling. Let me be clear, this does not mean that we need to allow them to do everything that they want to do. Of course, kicking something or someone, screaming at the top of their lungs in a public place, doing something unsafe, or treating someone poorly are all good reasons to set limits with our kids. But allowing them to feel that very normal and natural feeling is one of the most important parts of parenting that we can give. 

Because feelings make sense. And they matter.

“Of course you are disappointed that you can’t have that cookie right now. Cookies are delicious.”

“Of course you are sad and angry that Sam didn’t sit with you at lunch. That did not feel good, did it?”

“Of course you are anxious and worried about that math test/new camp/sports try outs/etc. These are big moments for you.”

“Of course you are angry that that thing didn’t go your way. You really wanted it.”

When we allow our kids’ hearts to be seen and heard and held in the safety of ours, they can move through their experiences more quickly.

But friends, we can’t do this without knowing how to stay steady with our own big feelings, right?

Because we are their mothers, we will feel their disappointment, sadness, anger, and fear along with them. And we need to show them that we can both have room for those normal feelings and be ok at the same time.

✅ So, we must practice this within ourselves first.