Are you tired of the anxiety that seems to follow you everywhere?

Let’s Talk About the High Achiever and Anxiety in Motherhood

First, let’s take a moment to define the “high achiever.”

To be clear, I am not just referring to the career-driven woman here, though of course many high achievers may end up pursuing high-level and purpose-driven work outside of the home. High achievers can be working moms or stay at home moms. Or fall some place in between. Regardless, all women who are high achievers share this:

• A desire (and motivation) to excel at what they do

• A tendency towards all-or-nothing and perfectionist thinking

• A self-image that is defined by achievements

• A rigorous work ethic that often refuses down time and rest

• An inner dialogue that includes lots of “should” and “shouldn’t”

• A focus on maintaining control and predictability

• A goal-oriented mindset in everything they do

These learned and habitual ways of moving through the world can show up at home or at work. This is the lens through which these women pursue everything, be it relationships, careers, hobbies, athletics, creative endeavors, or self.

High achievers value things like perseverance, grit, determination, and success.

These women have “done well” in their lives! They have overcome challenge. They have proven they can do hard things. They make things happen and they fix problems.

People admire them.

And they love how it feels to be this woman.

Then.... they bring home a baby.

And, almost without exception, these women suddenly wake up and think, “where did I go?”

I know because I was one of them. And I have worked with thousands of them.

Almost overnight, the high achieving woman finds herself swimming in anxiety and guilt. She can’t figure out the answers to things like she is used to. She struggles to get even the simplest tasks done. Despite her efforts to gain a sense of control, certainty, predictability and organization, she finds herself drowning in overwhelm.

And this is not what she expected for herself in motherhood.

So, she feels guilt and embarrassment and shame. But she hides it all to protect the image that others have of her. She doesn’t want people to know that she’s crumbling inside. She presents one way to the outside world but then falls apart behind closed doors.

She craves help and support, but nobody knows this because she has worked so hard to show up as capable and independent. Presenting one way to the outside world and feeling so different internally makes things even worse, because now she feels alone. What she needs and wants most is to be seen and understood and supported exactly as she is, without needing to be anything else. She wants people to accept all of her, even when she is messy and unsure.

Yet, this concept is also terrifying.

It’s a catch. And a conflict. And a recipe for lots of increasing anxiety and despair.

Been there?

Here’s the thing- what most women don’t know is that the strategies for success that led to goal achievement in life before motherhood don’t work here.

A desire to solve problems leads us to see problems everywhere, when most of what is happening in motherhood isn’t a problem at all.

A desire to create predictability and certainty leads to failed expectations because uncertainty, unpredictability, and chaos are simply ongoing parts of motherhood. They don’t go away. Ever. And so, the more we try to get ahead of these things, the more incompetent we feel.

Oof.

To shift out of this stuck place and to gain confidence again, the high achiever needs to make room for unpredictability, uncertainty, and chaos in a way that she hasn’t before.

And, when she learns to stay steady inside, even when things around her are chaotic, she will find herself again.

If this is you, start here:

1. All emotions are valid, wise, and necessary.

There is no motherhood without disappointment, frustration, grief, and worry. To feel all the good stuff (joy, connection, fulfillment, confidence...) you must first be willing to feel all the other stuff. Because it makes sense. When you feel the inevitable emotional discomfort that comes with uncertainty and unpredictability, put your hand on your heart and remember that you are NOT alone. There are mothers everywhere (even the high achieving ones!) who are experiencing the emotional lows right there with you. Of course you are feeling these things. They make sense.

2. Ask yourself this important question: “What if this is not a problem?”

We love to solve problems. But so much of what happens in motherhood is just a part of motherhood. The crying baby, the frustrated partner, the uncertainty, the seemingly constant mess, the unmet to-do list... these things are not problems that need to be fixed. Learning to expect and accept these things without needing to change them will take a load of pressure off.

3. Back to emotions, remember that you can (and will!) feel many things at once.

You can feel disappointed and grateful. Unsure and confident. Sad and steady. Worried and supported. You don’t need to choose. It can all be true.

4. There are only two things that you actually have any control over- your own thoughts and your own actions.

That’s it. So, rather than trying to control other people’s thoughts or feelings or the environment around you, put all that effort into learning to shift your thinking and make new choices. When you gain your sense of agency again (choice and control) you will feel like the mom you want to be.

5. Everything that you do to take care of your own health and well-being is in service of your child.

Being a “good mom” means that you are willing to tend to your own health in service of your child. You may be a people pleaser and a go-getter, but the reality is that you can’t meet other people’s needs from a place of depletion. So, that time to yourself, that childcare so that you can see a friend or get some exercise, that instant when you say “no” to someone else so that you can say “yes” to yourself is the ultimate gift you can give your child. What they need most is a healthy you. Your mental health and your child’s mental health are deeply connected. When you get the support you need to feel better, your child will thrive along with you.

This mothering thing is not easy. It’s not supposed to be. But like anything else in life, you can (and will!) feel successful here when you apply the strategies, practices, and ways of “being” that work best. Want a family filled with love, joy, and wellbeing? It’s right here waiting.