“Here’s a Trick. Stop complaining.”

This is my favorite line in Elizabeth Gilbert’s wonderful book, Big Magic.

If you are still reading, you are either so pissed about that statement that you want to see what other insulting things might spill out of my writing, or you are so shocked that I would advocate for such a thing that you want to see if I have actually gone off the deep end.

Well, neither.

From a therapeutic perspective, there is a difference between complaining and reflecting.

Reflect away, people. Reflect, reflect, reflect. Say it out loud, write about it, and ponder the ways in which your life is not working for you. Reflect on the fatigue, the helpless moments of toddler tantrums and newborn cries, the missed communication with your partner, and your loss of sense of self. Because reflecting means that you are paying attention to it all, and you can finally light those things up so that you can do something about them.

But complaining is a waste of energy. And it gets you nowhere but deeper into despair. Complaining is not reflecting, it is blaming. Complaining sounds like “I never get sleep anymore because my baby is always crying.” “My toddler is so stubborn, he never listens.” “My partner is such an asshole, they don’t get it.”

If you are, or have ever been, stuck in complaining like I certainly have, you know that when we complain we are putting the responsibility for change on everyone else, and we actually do nothing to jump start relief.

So, here’s the trick: Stop complaining.

Instead, get curious:

• I am noticing how tired I am. Is there something I can do to get more sleep?

• I am noticing that my toddler and I are having power struggles. Am I playing a part in that?

• I am feeling that my partner isn’t understanding me. Is there a way that I can communicate differently?

Let me be clear: This is not a blame and shame game and is absolutely not about shifting the blame from blaming someone else to blaming yourself. But the only two things that you actually have control over are your own thoughts and your own behaviors. So if you are unhappy with the way things are (which makes sense, by the way) then reflect and take action.

It will start the movement in the right direction. I promise.